The Present Moment

One can and should never have enough of the present moment. But it's always so much easier when one has more time at hand. Afternoons at home doing what I want to do is has always been what I have been dreaming of and I have more and more of these these days (I do not take them for granted due to the presence of a 5-year-old nephew), though a part of me fear (irrationally) that they can be so easily taken away.

Anyway so it is that I found myself listening more to my pa as he talked while blending juices and realised how I must have missed out so many moments in the past when he gave good advice about the little things in life, as I was too caught up with myself and the to-do list for the day. These include tips that may seem commonsensical for others but preciously useful for someone who needs lots of explictness -- for instance when there are two stalls selling the same items, go for the one that has a longer queue, not so much because it must be tastier but because it means the ingredients would not have been stored for a long time and would have been fresher. It was a revelation for me (unfortunately at my age) as I would have gone for the one with the shorter queue. These days too, I  noticed more the dark circles under his eyes and the rashes that he often had.

My favourite blogger coincidentally blogged about how she is charmingly aware of her daughters bonding over setting up of the Xmas tree and how she often "wanted to be enough on the edge of things to be aware that I was part of them but also ...in the moment because such moments are rare."

That encapsulates what I feel.

Weddings

After attending the wedding of a good friend Reena on Saturday, I came to view weddings with a different pair of lenses, something which I must admit that I have never realised.

It dawned on me (probably because there is more reflective time these days, and thankfully it's not too late) that a wedding is not just an event to celebrate the union, but also a celebration of the individual (that makes up the couple). With the chance of witnessing how a good friend interacts with her family members with whom she is closest to (at a time that is so intensely personal), you get a sense of how she truly is as a person. Through interactions with her friends and colleagues, you realise how well-loved a friend is and how fortunate I have been to be able to grow with her the past 1.5 decade. By being there to celebrate the coming together of the couple, you get to know more about the person who has been chosen as the one who will be there with her in her next stage of life.

And for that, I thank my good fortune. Here's wishing my good friend Reena and her husband Gerard a lifetime of happiness in their next chapter of life together. :)

Memories Part 2

"I hope that I shall long continue to keep a record of my impressions. I shall often realize the advantage of noting down my impression in this way; they grow deeper as one recalls them."— Eugene Delacroix


Going back to the topic on memories which explained why I started my blog, I must say I am still trying to figure out how to better retain my memories in different forms and ways. I must be sounding like I am suffering from Alzheimer's disease or some debilitating illness that I know will affect my memory, and even though I know it can be a good thing to have bad memory, I still do want to do my best to retain what I can. So far, this are the various avenues I have in mind:

• blog
• diary - This means I need to be very clear when an entry goes into a diary or my blog - which I am still trying to figure out. Obviously this would be the sanctuary for entries which could be potentially offensive to be published in my blog, so too will be ultra-personal stuff.
• sketches
• pictures

Talking to Mabel yesterday about my extremely bad memory (as opposed to her elephant memory), it dawned on me that perhaps the reason why I forget so so easily is that I think in words. Perhaps if I try to think in images, I may be able to sustain my memory much much better, which explains why I would focus more on the latter two as well. This potentiality makes me very excited, especially since I think I am a visual learner (afterall, I remembered directions of roads in Vietnam by remembering faces on tombstones along the streets where people engrave tombstones). This is also aligned with my determination to re-wire my brain a little to be less left-brained and a bit more right-brained. There is certainly nothing wrong with being a left-brainer; just that I am an extreme one, which makes me quite Aspergers' at times. The Middle Way should always be the way, I believe.

To prepare myself for these acts above, which I hope will accompany me as I do more travelling (across lands and within me), I decided that I need to learn how to sketch, in case inspiration dawns. I decided I will start by teaching myself how to sketch, using the drawing tool kit  bought from ArtFriend.

The reason in choosing to sketch flowers was that it was the only drawing tool kit I could find in the whole of ArtFriend (I figure the place is more of a friend to those who are non-art beginners, unfortunately).

Now that I sort of settled the drawing bit, I still need to think more about the business of taking pictures. I realised that it's not advisable to take pictures using my phone as I have difficulty loading them into the computer. Which may mean I have to lug an additional object (a camera) in my consistently heavy bag - I need to think more about this.

It's hard not to be a left-brainer when there are matters like that to think about.

Introducing myself

It has been around less than a month since I stopped work and every day has been a very interesting and fruitful affair in different, colourful ways. I think I can do this for a long time. 

But one thing I have yet to think about and figure out is how to introduce myself when I meet new people, for I can no longer deem myself as part of the erm, normal species in this world who hold a job. This came to me when I met someone new the other day and realised I was at a loss at how to introduce myself when I was asked what I do. 

I replied that I was ‘in-between jobs’. But after saying it, I felt that was a half-truth as it ain’t as if there is a job waiting for me after my break, hence I figured that was the egoistic part of me talking. I think my new-found friend saw through it for I was asked next what I did previously (as this seemed the polite thing to do). 

This defensive aspect could possibly reveal a sense of guilt that I feel for not having a job  – which reminds me of a conversation I had with a dear friend who is also doing what I am now (except that she REALLY has a job to go back to after a few months’ leave). :P 

Hence, I think I need to seriously think about my way of expressions to be used in the next few months, which I have narrowed to these few options:

1) “I am currently not working, but I used to be a teacher.”

This sounds quite in the face and I didn’t like the use of the coordinating conjunction ‘but’ as it sounded like I am rationalising (though I am).

2) “I am now taking a break. I was previously teaching.”

This sounds a more polished and sophisticated version. I quite like the fact that I didn’t refer to myself as ‘a….’ as the use of it in version 1 sounded like being a teacher is an act that I can put on and take off easily, which I don’t feel comfortable as teaching is part of me and I love it, just that I needed a break. 

I can’t wait to try it out on the next person who throws me the question!

Memories

I thought I would write about a topic which I have been wanting to for a long time, especially after I have just watched a movie ('You are the apple of my eye') yesterday, which served to remind me how rich memories can make of one's life.

 I googled to find out more about the director Giddens Ko (aka jiu ba dao, or nine knives).

He is a first-time director whose film is based on his true life story, and I found him to be one who seemed very passionate about life and is very much a child at heart (not surprisingly), but who is at the same time very serious about his work (am always very respectful of such people). But what impresses me more is the amount of details he could remember of his reckless and childish past, such as the scene of the male lead's shirt with lots of blue ink smudges on the right side of the back of his shirt (a result of the female lead's inclination to poke her pen at the male lead's back whenever she found him slacking in class) and more amazingly the subtle, poignant feelings he captured, which must mean he remembered it so clearly and vividly up till now.

Which brings me to one central theme that never fails to strike a cord in my heart whenever I watch a movie (or read a book) based on one's life where such rich details are provided. It's almost as if the past happened only yesterday for them. It fascinates and amazes me how this is possible, as I know I would definitely not be capable of this, as I have an extremely bad memory. And that scares me at times, as wouldn't that mean I would grow old with hardly any memories?

I have always suspected I suffered from childhood amnesia as I hardly remember anything in my childhood. And it's not as if I have a horrible childhood and am trying to block out the bad memories. In fact, I had a wonderful childhood (that I am pretty sure of even with a bad memory), with a wonderful set of steady and down-to-earth parents and pretty much submerged in my well-loved books most of the time. I always felt that my memories started only from my junior college days (probably because my life was a bit more varied and exciting then), but even then, they still remained as hazy memories, of which I sort of remembered the general mood and some details here and there. That frightens me often, because what is a person if she has no memories?

That's the main reason why I decided to start this blog, and why I embarked on a cleaning-up movement in my room (which I ambitiously plan to extend eventually to my entire house) where I have been busy organising how I can put together and store objects and paraphernallia of events from my past (be it happy or sad) so that in 50 years time,I am still able to look back and remember the (quite quite) interesting life I have this far.

And who knows, all these efforts may help me if I ever do publish a book, or produce a movie in future :P