My Plum Village Meditation Retreat

Logging into my blogspot account, I was quite surprised to learn that I had only put in a blog entry once this year, and half the year has gone past. That probably shows how much in a wheeze my life has been spent, and how hectic it has been.

And so it was a much needed rest that I sought after as I signed up for the 5-day meditation retreat at Kong Meng San Monastery which just ended.

More importantly, I wanted to find back my 'breath', as strange as it sounds. Being conscious of one's breathing is the first step to developing mindfulness of oneself and of one's life. It is at the core of Plum Village meditation retreats. As I grew mindful of my breathing having attended Plum Village retreats for a few years, I am quite happy to know i am more mindful of my breath which is a good sign that I am developing greater consciousness and mindfulness.

That said, that meant i was growing more unsettled about the fact that while I have no problems knowing I am breathing in, I had great difficulties knowing I am breathing out. In case that sounds too abstract, it means i have difficulty 'locating' my breath as I exhale. For as long as half a year, i felt I could not 'find' my out-breath (my exhalation breath). As elusive as it sounds, the most concrete description I can give is that of someone trying to catch her breath as she pants after a run, except that I felt this way even when I am in a calm state. It is a very unsettling feeling whenever I cannot locate my out-breath -- it is almost as if a part of me is missing and I cannot find it. Stress and anxieties at work have a part to play definitely.

I was hoping to find it then during this meditation retreat. The first day went by with no sign of that improving during the half-hour sitting meditation in the morning. Not did it improve on the second day. As the days of the retreat went by, I was getting quite impatient with myself and am judging my meditation (and my breath) which defeats the whole point of enjoying breathing during meditation. Things did not improve on the third or fourth morning. By this time, I decided to let go and decided there was no point judging myself harshly.

And then, it happened. I found my out-breath on the last morning of the retreat today. And it came so easily without me having to search high and low for it. And when it happened, i  experience a quiet euphoria in my heart, and a feeling of meeting a long-lost friend after a long time of losing contact. The amazing by-product that quiet consciousness the past few days brought!

But I admit there was some difficulty in sustaining my awareness of this out-breath during these precious half hour. Though I felt vulnerable (not knowing if i will lose it again), it comforts me to know i am still able to go back to my breath from time to time, whenever my monkey mind goes in search of some bananas.

I will spend some catch-up time for sure with my long-lost best friend the next three weeks. :)